


Sekai De Boku Shika Inai

by micehell



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, TOKIO
Genre: AU, Drama, M/M, Nagase's hooker outfits when he debuted, OMC/Nagase, Romance, Underage lusting (but no actual sex), a darker side to the idol industry ;)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-14
Updated: 2010-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-11 12:05:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/478383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tatsuya had heard the rumor not long after he'd joined the agency.</p><p>(This story is, oddly enough, based on the idea that Johnny's pimps the kids out.  Which isn't really a serious thought, but was put in my mind by some of the outfits Nagase wore back in the early days. ;)  Some of those outfits are described in the story, and should you want visual references, there are links... you know, just for research purposes *snicker*)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sekai De Boku Shika Inai

A/N: The original thought that Johnny's pimps out these kids came to me after seeing the pv for _SoKo Nashi Love_ , and the [outfit Nagase wears in the video is the outfit for the third, er, date in the story (sorry, it's kind of blurry, as the vid quality isn't great)](http://pics.livejournal.com/micehell/pic/001bgkpd/), 'cause, come on, if that wasn't pretty much stamping a price tag on the guy for all the pedophiles to bid for, what was? ;) The idea of the pimping was reinforced by [this picture](http://pics.livejournal.com/micehell/pic/0018h7dy/), which is the outfit for the first date and just too funny for words... but, yowza, those long long legs are already at least on their way to hot, even if the rest of him is just kind of sad in those clothes. The [outfit for the second date is loosely based on the Level 18 version of Nagase there](http://pics.livejournal.com/micehell/pic/001bh88a/), but I have to say that that one isn't funny at all and gives me all kind of bad ideas, so there. :P

Title is from _Love You Only_ , as anyone who actually reads this probably already knew.

________________________________________________________

Tatsuya had heard the rumor not long after he'd joined the agency. Even with the speed he'd heard it, though, it hadn't been the type of story that got passed often. Not many of the juniors were bold enough to suggest their sempai had gained any of their fame or privileges that way, and even those that were brash enough tended to shy away from joking about it, too afraid they might be inviting such a fate by saying it. Gussan himself had listened with a skeptical ear and dismissed it as the type of 'horror' story that any large group of boys would create eventually.

But five years later, an overheard conversation still circling his brain, he had to wonder just how true the story was.

~*~

With his image of being calm and sure of himself, most people wouldn't have guessed that Tatsuya's mind was always full of questions ( _Should I stay with Johnny's? Am I satisfied with how the band is doing? Does the fact that I find Taichi cute, even when we're not giving each other quick hand jobs in a locked rehearsal room, make me gay?_ ) The image of composure came out of the fact that no matter how many questions he had, he always, eventually, found the answers ( _For now. No, but all we can do is keep trying. Probably_ )... even if he didn't always like them.

When he and Taichi had first moved into Higashiyama’s apartment, there had been no question that they would share a room. One) not even Taichi was bold enough to suggest Higashi share with one of them, and two) it wasn't like either of them objected to spending time alone together. Girls were fairly easy to come by when you were a Johnny, but the chances of getting caught by the media, the fans, or (far worse) Johnny made it a little risky, and, though he would never have said so to Taichi (not unless he wanted to have it added to Taichi's already abundant arsenal of blackmail material), Gussan found his bandmate a lot cuter than a lot of the girls he came across.

Even with that, what was between them wasn't really anything more than friendship combined with a way to relieve stress, and Tatsuya always made sure that any time they spent together could be explained by work or just hanging out. As cute as he thought Taichi was, and even though he might one day follow that impulse to leave the Jimusho, he didn't want to be _kicked_ out. Not now, and especially not because he preferred sarcastic keyboardists to over-invested fans. He might have answered his _am I gay_ question with a probably, but that didn’t mean he wanted to advertise. That was the kind of thing that could make sure someone never debuted, and Gussan already doubted that that was ever going to happen, five years in and already twenty-two, and still no word from above.

But sharing a room with Taichi, having an excuse to be alone together that no one would question? That even made living with someone as fastidious as Higashi well worth it.

~*~

There was little more he wanted right then than a couple of beers and something to eat, which would likely be potato chips as the beer would take most of the money he had left, so it was reluctantly, and with a little more exasperation in his voice than he’d meant to, that Tatsuya asked, “Okay, what’s the problem?”

There were times Nagase seemed younger than his age, and times he was surprisingly mature, but the part sullen, part wistful, “Nothing,” he answered with was perfectly puberty-stricken, _no one understands me_ fifteen.

Tatsuya, like most people who had managed to get past that age themselves, found it both nostalgic and irritating, and he almost let it go. But over the years since the kid had joined, Tatsuya had learned to read the signs.

In the early early days, when Nagase had still been as green as grass, barely distinguishable from the other juniors, he’d been mostly a shadow, trying his hardest to not intrude and yet still be close enough at hand to take whatever orders his sempai might have for him. Taichi, Kojima, and Mabo had all taken advantage of that, still smarting over their own most junior of junior days and the grief they’d taken off the older kids, but Nagase had never complained, quiet and waiting and almost desperate to get along.

That initial period hadn’t lasted long, the kid’s inherent exuberance unable to be contained for any extended period of time. In the next phase (referred to as the monkey days by Taichi), he’d still been willing to do whatever they’d ask of him, but he’d talk and laugh and generally be too loud until one of them finally sat on him (literally, sometimes).

That period hadn’t lasted long, either, because while airhead was a fairly apt description of him, Nagase understood more than he let on, and the professional that Tatsuya knew he would eventually grow up to be was already showing up more and more. Not that Nagase still didn’t talk and laugh too much, but he mostly knew when to shut up… which was good, since he was getting to be too big for anyone but Tatsuya and Mabo to sit on.

But there was no reason for him to be quiet now, the back dance gig over and all of them on the train back to the dorms. Tatsuya had expected to have his ear talked off when the kid had taken the seat next to him, but all he’d heard were sighs as Nagase stared out the windows, obviously not seeing anything except whatever was playing in his own head. He sighed himself, but a quiet, pensive Nagase was a crime against nature, and there was no way he could leave that alone.

Mourning the beers and (likely chips) dinner he’d been hoping for, Tatsuya took a quick look at the seat behind him, where Matsuoka was talking a mile a minute and Joshima was nodding from time to time, sometimes even at the right time. He could probably pass the kid and his problems off onto either one of them. But…. Joshima would certainly mother hen the kid in his own awkward way, but Nagase had never stopped using formal language with him, even years after he had the rest of them, so it was unlikely he’d talk to Joshima about something that was probably personal. And Mabo, while near in age and easy to talk to, would likely die of embarrassment if it was anything more intimate than talking about dance steps or getting good grades, and considering Nagase wasn’t likely to be upset about either, it looked like it was up to Tatsuya to handle it.

Remembering what bothered him most at fifteen, and what still tended to be close to the top of his problem list, he asked, “Is this Nothing really cute?”

Which made Nagase laugh, not even teenage angst able to hold against humor that was as much a part of him as blood and bone. It made Tatsuya laugh in turn, worry lightened with the sound of it. The worry was lightened even further over dinner at the cheapest ramen stall he could find, listening to the story of the seven year torrid love affair the kid had _not_ been having, even after multiple love letters and confessions. It was impressive to Tatsuya, Nagase’s devotion to a girl who apparently wouldn’t even look his way. For all that he’d only been eight when he’d decided he’d loved her, and even with all the rejection he’d received over the years, still Nagase had been loyal. At least to his dream of her, if maybe not the actual girl.

Tatsuya had never been that devoted to anyone. He loved his parents, sure, but they’d been difficult to live with, and he’d been much happier when he moved out, even with the lack of money. When he tried to imagine chasing any dream for seven years, even in the face of repeated rejection, he just felt tired. He weighed that devotion against all the times he’d nearly walked away over the last five years, thinking that he should just give up and go and look for something else, something easier, and felt a little embarrassed.

But then Nagase smiled, mouth full of rice, teenage angst nowhere to be seen at the moment, and the embarrassment melted away. For all that Nagase flummoxed him sometimes, thoughts curving in strange ways when everything else about him was so straightforward, they were more alike than not. Food was always good, bad mood or not, and should never go to waste. Sharing problems was hard to do, but sometimes made things easier. And doing things for friends (like Joshima talking him out of leaving, like Kojima and Taichi picking on Mabo, but then always buying him a Coke), like giving up a much-needed beer when they needed you to listen, wasn’t hard at all.

~*~

When Mabo had moved into the apartment, there hadn’t been any question about who would room with Higashi. As much as Tatsuya enjoyed spending time with Taichi, there was no way he could explain why he was letting someone so junior to him share the (theoretically) more coveted room with Higashi, not without it being suspicious. So he’d moved into the bigger bedroom and left Taichi to deal with Mabo, and knew that while neither of them were going to be happy with the change of roommate, they’d both be okay.

It hadn’t been exactly a regular thing anyway, he and Taichi, and it faded even more without the cover of sharing a room. Which was a bit depressing, his libido at twenty-two hardly a quiet thing, but even with having to learn how to peel peaches from Higashi, and even without the friends with benefits relationship with Taichi, the apartment was still much nicer than the rat hole he’d lived in before, and Tatsuya didn’t question it at all.

~*~

The first time Tatsuya ever thought Nagase had lied to him was in the rehearsal room. The room was full; juniors, sempai, instructors, and the brass all in various stages of practicing, teaching, or negotiating. It was loud, people yelling to be heard, especially over the instructors who were always on full blast, scolding or reluctantly praising, though it was sometimes hard to tell the difference. But over in the corner, quiet and closed in, was Nagase and Mukai, one of the vice-presidents in charge of promotion.

The talk might have been about them offering Nagase an official position in the band. It was certainly time, the kid almost always with them when they performed live, whether as a band or as back dancers, and yet hardly ever with them for the interviews and photo layouts. He was TOKIO in everything but name only, and aside from a few disgruntled fans, who’d attributed Kojima’s growing distance to Nagase’s ever-increasing presence, everyone welcomed it.

But it wasn’t a happy talk, Nagase eyes always looking down, his body completely still and small, as if he were trying to draw into himself.

The talk might be about him getting a chance in another band, one more likely to debut. Nagase was growing up better looking than a lot of the other juniors, and his voice, now that it was just about finished changing, was pretty good as well, if still a little high at moments. He’d already made a break into acting, too, all of which made him an obvious choice if they were forming a new band.

But it wasn’t a happy talk, Nagase never looking up, not even responding to whatever Mukai was saying. And Tatsuya… had always wondered. Why the kid had been with them, hardly the most noticeable members of Johnny’s, in the first place, instead of showcased somewhere else, somewhere that might get him more notice. Why some of the sempai seemed to be a little down on him, as if they knew something was off and didn’t approve. Why Mukai, known to be something of a weasel, was looking like a weasel that had prey in sight.

Maybe Mukai was just reading the kid the riot act over some stupid stunt he’d pulled. Maybe it was bad news about some project Nagase had been offered. And maybe… maybe it was just Tatsuya attributing things, his own (probably) gay-ness making him see it in others, or even just Nagase’s pretty face making him seem like maybe he could go both ways. But Tatsuya couldn’t help wonder as Nagase followed Mukai out of the rehearsal room, like a student following the principal to his office for punishment, if the higher ups and some of the sempai didn’t know something that was keeping Nagase from being the front runner he should have been, and if Nagase hadn’t lied to him about the _girl_ he’d been in love with for all those years.

~*~

Tatsuya did kind of question why he hesitated over sharing with Taichi again when Higashi moved out and Nagase moved in. It was obvious that Nagase should be with Matsuoka, not even quite two years his senior versus the nearly five and seven years that separated him from the other two. Seniority said it was Tatsuya and Taichi in the bigger room, with the juniors in the smaller. Sense said Tatsuya would room with the one he had known the longest and had shared the most with. Even if Taichi and he no longer did the buddy fuck thing anymore, he was still someone Tatsuya was comfortable with. And even if it was that former relationship with Taichi that was making him hesitate, then it should obviously be Mabo, who had basically adopted him as his older brother from pretty much the first moment they met, that he should take in, leaving Nagase to Taichi.

But Tatsuya still found himself thinking things like _it would be easier to just move Nagase into the space that Higashi had left rather than play musical chairs with the rooms_ and _I really should protect the kid from Taichi’s sharp tongue, especially when he’s just woke up_ , even knowing that they sounded more like excuses than reasons.

The part that made him question the most, though, was why he was looking for an excuse in the first place.

~*~

Since Higashi had left, they’d invited people over to their place less and less. It wasn’t that they weren’t just as social as they’d always been, but what had been immaculate under Higashi’s sweet yet iron-fisted rules, had now reverted to the sty that was really more their style, especially living with Nagase and his odd refrigerator science projects, like the watermelon that had sprouted mushrooms, and just three tiny little months after he’d put it in the refrigerator. Which was why Tatsuya couldn’t help but eavesdrop when he heard the voice coming out of Nagase’s room that definitely didn’t belong to any of them.

“Do you have anything against being famous?” The voice was low, but the exasperation in it was quite audible.

“No.” That was sullen and wistful and as perfectly puberty-stricken _no one understands me_ fifteen as the last time Tatsuya had heard it. He could understand the exasperation in the other voice if Nagase was in full teenage angst mode.

What he didn’t understand was why it was Mukai’s voice he could hear, recognizable once he pressed closer to the door between them. If he was caught, it would be embarrassing beyond measure, but there was no way he couldn’t at least try to hear, because it made no sense for one of the bosses to be there, in their apartment. Not if it was about business. It certainly made no sense for him to be there about anything other than business, not with Nagase, who tended to go quiet around authority figures and even more so with one that high up in the company, and Mukai’s voice certainly wasn’t all that friendly when he said, “It’s not like you haven’t done it before.”

Nagase didn’t answer at first, but Tatsuya’s mind did, filling in the _it_ that Nagase had done with singing, dancing, acting, cutting his hair, dying it… anything and everything he could to avoid filling it in with what he suspected.

When it finally came, Nagase’s answer was subdued, but still had a touch of pique in it. “I’ve never done… _that_ before.”

And if Tatsuya’s mind hadn’t already been suspicious, maybe he wouldn’t have read anything into that pause. Maybe he wouldn’t be thinking about the rumor he’d heard when he first joined the agency. But all he could fill in for _that_ was sex, the pause over using the word showing the kid wasn’t comfortable enough to even say it, let alone do it, and it was mainly disbelief that the rumor could possibly have been true that kept Tatsuya from throwing Mukai out of their apartment.

Disbelief had a hard time holding up, though, when Mukai’s voice turned placating, a salesman calming a fussy customer. “Well, that’s even more to your advantage here. It’s a premium item then, worth even more. And it’s not like you haven’t thought about it, is it? Isn’t that why you moved out of the old dorm. Because it was hard not to think about it, and your roommate wasn’t interested, or at least too clueless to catch on?”

He never did hear Nagase’s answer, Taichi’s coming in with his usual clamor making Tatsuya jump away from the door guiltily, and apparently prompting Mukai to leave soon after, but Tatsuya did get the likely answers to two questions: Nagase’s unrequited love being a girl was probably a lie, and the rumor that some of the juniors had let themselves be whored out in order to get their debut was probably the truth.

~*~

There was nothing unintentional about the eavesdropping Tatsuya did the next time. He’d spent two days arguing in his head about what he should do. Talk to Nagase, and maybe embarrass them both? Not talk to Nagase and let him be pressured into something he didn’t want to do? And if it had nothing to do with the band, and the price they were offering Nagase concerned him only, who was Tatsuya to make the decision for him?

That last one kept bringing him up short. Was it his place to tell Nagase that what they were asking of him (whatever _it_ specifically was), was wrong? It wasn’t Tatsuya’s life, it wasn’t his body, it wasn’t his morals that had to make the decision. But at the same time he felt a pit of dread in his stomach that Nagase might choose to take them (whoever _them_ specifically was) up on their offer, and that brought him up short as well. Was it just the thought of a friend being used as nothing more than a desirable object that had him worried, or that _Nagase_ might be used that way? The question he’d never quite fully answered when the kid had moved into the apartment was still there, part of that pit in his gut, and he was afraid he might screw up more than he intended if he rushed in blindly.

Which is what led to him trying to discreetly follow Nagase around for almost a day and a half. Discreetly following someone not being a talent he’d ever needed to possess before, he got caught more times than he really had a good excuse for, but Nagase was so lost in his own head that he didn’t question it, which just made Tatsuya worry more. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on how he wanted to look at it, Mukai had another meeting with Nagase before the kid managed to wonder too much about his new shadow.

But hearing what he’d dreaded -- _The others are getting older, they don’t really have much chance if they don’t debut soon_ , and _You’re the man of your family, aren’t you? Do you really want to have to see your mother and your sister struggling to get by when you could help them out so easily?_ , and _It’s just one man, one night, and then the spotlight is yours from there on in. It’s a small enough price for getting so much, isn’t it?_ \-- wasn’t as helpful as Tatsuya hoped. It sounded too well thought out, too practiced, for this to be just Mukai running a deal. And if there were others involved, where did it end? Who could Tatsuya ‘blow the whistle’ to when he didn’t know who would help and who might just wind up getting all of them fired, some plausible excuse offered so that anything they might say would just sound like spite? Was it his place to report it at all, when it was Nagase’s choice to make?

The least helpful thing was the little voice inside his head that kept asking him things that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know about himself. _Mukai’s right, and I am getting older… do I really want Nagase to say no and maybe never debut?_ And _Saying the answer to that is not just yes, but hell yes, is that completely out of concern, or is there part of me hoping to keep for myself what Mukai’s ‘one man’ was after, too?_

He’d listened hoping for answers, and wound up with more questions instead, but all of them were made useless by the last thing he overhead, which was Nagase, voice quiet but firm, saying, “Okay.”

~*~

Still leery of following Nagase after the last time he’d been caught, Tatsuya had almost missed _the_ night when it came. Almost missed it as in Nagase tried to leave the apartment while he wasn’t around (not knowing that Tatsuya was just up on the roof smoking), because there was no way he could have missed it from the kid’s outfit. Leather hot pants, dangerously short even for a guy who hadn’t got all that lucky in the penis department, and even more so for someone like Nagase, who, from what Tatsuya had seen in the baths, was going to grow up to be a porn star. The rest of his outfit certainly fit right into that image; a clingy, sparkly top, a huge furry jacket, and combat boots that laced up to mid-calf, which, combined with the short shorts, made what were already long legs look even longer.

It made Tatsuya want to laugh, a look that would be ridiculous on an adult, forget a fifteen-year-old. It made him hard as hell, too, and he hated himself for that, but the kid wasn’t just _growing up_ good looking, he was already there. Still not full grown, yes, but more than just potential, too, with the legs that wouldn’t end and the pretty pouting lips, and the slant of those cheeks and eyes, almost exotic and definitely erotic when half-lidded, when the kid was trying it on… it was far sexier than Tatsuya was comfortable with.

He’d told himself after the argument that he was going to leave it alone. He wasn’t Nagase’s father, nor his conscience, and he’d already made his case against accepting Mukai’s offer, but all that resolution faded when it came down to it. Following someone discreetly becoming a skill he was getting better at all the time, he managed to keep Nagase in sight without being caught, even on the not very crowded train. He did almost get too close when he’d spotted a situation that needed to dealt with, those short shorts apparently too great a temptation to at least one sweet and gentle-looking grandmother with wandering hands, but he wound up outside the Tokyo Regent Hotel still discreetly in Nagase’s wake.

And the kid _was_ causing a wake in the crowd, the clientele in this district wealthy, conservative, and not prone to hooker clothes like Nagase was wearing. Even from where he stood across the enormous lobby, a potted tree giving him barely enough cover, he could see the hotel staff glancing nervously Nagase’s way every few seconds, and it would only be a matter of time before someone came and chased him off. Tatsuya smiled at that, figuring it would be worth watching the kid get embarrassed if it put an end to things.

But before anyone could figure out who should talk to Nagase, Nagase’s _friend_ showed up. He fit right into the wealthy, conservative, not prone to hooker clothing image the hotel was comfortable with. And regardless of what they felt about someone dressing that way, they were apparently perfectly okay with what they had to think was an actual hooker, at least if he came in with the right person, because they fluttered over Nagase and the client as if there was absolutely nothing strange about the two of them together, handing over keys with barely a pause and no check in procedure at all.

It threw Tatsuya’s timing off, his plan having been to casually get closer to them as they were checking in, so that he could eavesdrop on what room they got. As it was he had to almost run after them to the elevators, hoping no one from the hotel staff came to talk to _him_ , and still all his speed got him was a brief flash of Nagase’s face before the doors to the elevator closed.

They were already going up, Nagase’s decision obviously made, and Tatsuya should have abided by that. But while he admitted that thinking of the guy as a dirty old man was at least a tiny bit funny coming from him, since he was still half-hard, a vision of those long legs wrapped around him staying with him no matter what he tried, it didn’t stop Tatsuya from tracking the floor the elevator finally stopped at. Because dirty old man or not, the guy might not have been able to read Nagase’s signs the way the band could, so he might not have known what those too big eyes, what that solemn, pale face meant, but Tatsuya did, and there was no way he could walk away and leave now. Maybe what he was about to do was going to cut all of their career’s short, but it didn’t matter, not with that quiet look of fear on Nagase’s face.

The top floor of the hotel was serenely elegant, and Tatsuya, in his jeans and t-shirt, knew he didn’t have a lot of time before someone spotted him and kicked him out. But while entering the Jimusho late might have made it a little harder for him to debut, it did give him the advantage of real world experience that the other juniors mostly didn’t have. It certainly didn’t take him long to find the camouflaged door down the hallway that hid the air handling unit for the floor, and it took even less time, especially with the tidy little tool kit someone had conveniently left on a shelf above the unit, to break it, the smell and sound of grinding machinery falling away behind him as he hurried back to the elevator, an alarm already beginning to sound.

He smiled from his post across the street as he saw the dirty old man, nervous in the face of all the noise and subsequent attention, get hurriedly into a taxi, leaving Nagase behind. The dazed look on Nagase’s face made Tatsuya’s gut clench a little, an impulse to go and tell him it was okay having to be stomped down by knowing what a disaster it would be if he got found out, but as long as Mukai’s client had to do without his playtoy that night, Tatsuya thought it was worth it.

~*~

Tatsuya’s plan for the argument had been a reasonable, calm discussion about why it wasn’t a good idea that Nagase agreed to Mukai’s offer. He’d be reassuring, play on the older and wiser thing and on Nagase’s usual deference to him, and it would all be for the kid’s good.

The actual argument… hadn’t been like that at all. Tatsuya had been anything but reasonable or calm, and _Nagase_ hadn’t deferred to him at all.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re actually going to let Mukai whore you out just so you can get ahead? You’re still young enough that you can debut the normal way, so why would you give it up for this?”

Proving again that he could be more mature than he seemed at times, Nagase had thought over what he was going to say rather than just yelling back. He had also been far calmer than Tatsuya, but his clenched hands had shown how much effort he was putting into that. “One, if you heard enough to know what the offer was, then you know why it’s unlikely that I’ll debut without this. Two, for all either you or I know, _every_ band that debuted did something like this, so maybe this is the normal way. Three, it’s not _just_ so I can get ahead. And four, what business is it of yours if I do this anyway, since at best you would also get something out of it, too, and at worst it wouldn’t be your problem?”

When he thought back on it, Tatsuya wanted to remember how he’d calmed down then, how he’d presented good counterarguments to the sadly valid points Nagase had made, but he’d have to make it up if he did. Instead he’d pouted and yelled by turns, only stopping when he’d finally gone too far.

“You think your mother would be happy with you being a whore?”

Tatsuya had seen that comment, sounding both like condemnation and a vague threat, and nothing he’d meant to say at all, drive in deep, Nagase’s face flushing then going pale, anger and hurt taking their turns. “No, I think my mother would rather work herself sick rather than have either my sister or me want for anything. Which is why I _need_ to debut, so I can make a lot more money, so that she doesn’t have to keep driving herself to protect us. And that’s all she ever needs to know.”

Trying for the planned for calm, Tatsuya had reminded himself that he was wanted to help Nagase here, not hurt him more. But it had been so hard to face that stubborn set to Nagase’s jaw without wanting to shake him into seeing sense.

“They wouldn’t thank you for the sacrifice. And there are other ways to make money if that’s all it is.”

Nagase’s control had finally broke at that, his whole body almost twitching in agitation, and his voice shaking. “What, do you think I just joined the agency for a lark? That I didn’t want to be in the spotlight? That I didn’t want to be famous?”

Tatsuya had found himself getting calmer the more Nagase wasn’t, and he’d made his voice soft, hoping to soothe the temper he’d been the one to stir up. “I think you joined the agency because your sister and your mother thought you should. But, yeah, I get that you want to be in the spotlight, that you deserve it. But you will be, even without this.”

“It’s not a guarantee. In fact, it’s damn unlikely, especially since Mukai and the others found out I like guys, too. I’ve been with Johnny’s since I was eleven, and things were going well, right up until one of the sempai in the dorms noticed, I don’t know, _something_ about the way I looked at Koichi, and ever since then…. But it’s not even just that. It’s everything. Katori had already debuted by the time he was my age. Me, half the time they do try to showcase me, I screw up. And they made me wear a bandage the other day to cover up a really bad pimple, and I heard about that for hours. And, fuck, you’ve seen the letters from the fans, you were the one that got those girls in Kyoto back off, you…”

Nagase had almost been crying at that point, but trying to hide it. Tatsuya had started to say something, feeling like the worst, but Nagase had cut him off. “I want to know what it’s like to be courted like Koichi and Tsyoshi. I want to know what it’s like to have shows begging for you to appear on them like Hikaru Genji. I want… I want to be part of the band instead of just at the fringes, and prove that what was in those letter, what those girls said, is wrong and that I really do belong here. And if this is how I get my chance, well, I think it’s worth it.”

He’d left before Tatsuya could figure out how to reply to that. And what had there been to say, anyway. Even if Tatsuya didn’t agree with what he was doing (and, again, could he be totally sure of his own motives in that), it wasn’t as if the kid didn’t have valid points. With all the laughing and goofing around Nagase did, it was hard to remember sometimes that there was something serious underneath it, that he had all the same insecurities that most fifteen year olds had, made worse by being in an industry that judged people on how popular they could become, like high school only worse.

When he thought back on it, Tatsuya wanted to remember how he’d decided to let Nagase live his own life, to make his own decisions like the adult he was growing into, and he had done that, but even then he’d wondered if he was lying to himself.

~*~

By the second _date_ , Tatsuya had thought it through somewhat. He couldn’t count on there being vulnerable equipment at whatever place the _date_ took place, especially not with convenient tools nearby. He’d just gotten lucky that first time, and so the _date_ hadn’t been. There was only so much reconnoitering he could do, too, the security on the types of places this guy could afford too good to let him stroll about for any length of time. He’d thought about maybe knocking on their door and pretending to be hotel staff, or pretending to be a cop, or even pretending to be himself and not pretending at all when he punched the hell out of the guy, but any and all of those were likely to get him in trouble rather than Nagase out of it, so he’d moved on.

Even with that, his plans were kind of nebulous, depending too much on where the _date_ took place, and what was going on. Faced with the same hotel, who had apparently learned a lesson from last time, too, in that they had the door to the equipment room locked, and the uniform room as well, Tatsuya found all his not particularly in depth planning falling apart. It didn’t help that Nagase had been wearing black leather pants and a small leather vest, and not much else, and even skinny as he was, it had still been less amusing, more sex on two legs than the previous outfit. The blood being somewhere other than his brain certainly wasn’t helping Tatsuya wing it any.

He thought about how the guy had seemed to appreciate the new look as well, actually stopping to stare at Nagase a moment before taking the key from the concierge. It had been long enough for Tatsuya to vaguely recognize him, some member of Parliament or other, not famous enough to be instantly known, but enough so that all his caution and running away last time made sense. Tatsuya was sure there was a way to use that to help him put an end to the guy’s second attempt at helping Nagase debut, but he couldn’t quite see it.

Frustrated, and afraid he was going to be caught by hotel security at any moment, he slammed his fist into the wall, not looking where he was hitting. He felt a sharp sting of glass just a moment before the fire alarm went off, and he stared at the blood on his knuckles for a minute, amazed by his strength and the gift fate had just given him. He was laughing as he finally ran towards the stairs.

The laughter was knocked out of him not even five minutes later when, hidden by the crowd drawn by the alarm, he saw Parliament guy slink off, trying to avoid being spotted and ignoring Nagase, even though the kid was right behind him. The hotel staff had managed to find him a cab even in the midst of the emergency vehicles that were starting to arrive, and it pulled away, leaving Nagase behind like an unwanted toy for a second time. Nagase looked even more lost than before, obviously unsure of what to do and worried about what would happen.

As he stood there watching the kid, feeling a little sick, Tatsuya asked himself a question he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to: if he was doing all of this just to help Nagase, why wasn’t he helping him now?

~*~

With his image of being calm and sure of himself, most people wouldn't have guessed that Tatsuya's mind was always full of questions ( _Was the fact he was so bothered by what Nagase had chosen just because he was worried for him? Was the fact that he wanted to punch the Parliament guy (and pretty much anyone else) who touched Nagase just because he was protecting a friend? How the hell could Nagase possibly look so ridiculous in the outfits he’d been wearing, and yet still be so sexy that Tatsuya could barely remember what it felt like to_ not _be hard?_ ) The image of composure came out of the fact that no matter how many questions he had, he always, eventually, found the answers ( _No. No, though that was also part of it. Because it wasn’t about how Nagase looked, it was about what Tatsuya felt, and at this point, with the way he_ did _feel, he didn’t care about what Nagase was wearing so much as he wanted him in nothing at all… he wanted him._ )... even if he didn't always like them.

~*~

They’d taken Nagase in a car the third time, apparently deciding to leave nothing to fate. It might also have been because they thought the outfit he was wearing -- flesh-colored hot pants that made him look like he wasn’t wearing any pants at all, a fringed, clinging black shirt with, of all things, a train in back, and, again, not much else -- would cause a riot if they had the kid ride the train in it. Tatsuya knew _he_ was having to concentrate hard on how silly the train of the shirt was, since Nagase looked half-dressed, as if he’d just rolled out of bed… or was just about to roll around _in_ one, which was something Tatsuya was trying to avoid thinking about.

The car had thrown him for a moment, since he had no way of trailing it, his bike unlikely to be able to keep up, but Tatsuya guessed they were probably heading back for the same old hotel, the one where obviously no questions would be asked about the kid in the hooker clothes, and he figured the train was likely to get him there first, even with the car having a head start.

He’d worried when he’d arrived and there with no one in sight, afraid they’d hit milder traffic than usual and had beaten him there, or that they were heading somewhere else, not wanting to test the myth of the third time being the charm, but then two cars had pulled up, one nearly dumping Nagase out on the sidewalk before speeding discreetly away, and the other much more gently letting the Parliament guy out.

Parliament guy didn’t stare in appreciation this time, apparently annoyed that he still hadn’t gotten his leg over yet, and he snapped his fingers at Nagase like he was a dog waiting for his master’s command. Tatsuya could have told him that it would only get the kid’s back up, but then he knew the signs, and all the asshole knew was the pretty package the signs came in. He figured it was even money for a minute about whether Nagase would walk away or not, but then the concierge was there, ushering them in, and the moment of rebellion was over in the wake of all the training they got not to make a scene.

Tatsuya sighed, wishing it had been that easy. But he was better prepared this time, knowing he couldn’t count on utility rooms (locked now), or fire alarms (they’d be suspicious, and they’d find out it was a false alarm far too fast because of it), or anything else just left up to chance. But another advantage to having entered the Jimusho late was that he knew a fair amount of people that the agency wouldn’t really want him to hang with now, and one of those less than aboveboard types knew all kinds of things about making sure calls weren’t traced. Tatsuya had to calm Osamu down a little from making the bomb threat too over the top, but he was still a great help in the end, the hotel and emergency service people starting the evacuation not even five minutes after Tatsuya had told him to call.

He was in his usual spot across the street when Parliament guy and Nagase came out, like a replay of last time. But Nagase didn’t look even a little bit lost this time, not even trying to follow as the guy made off, simply letting an emergency service worker lead him behind the barrier they’d set up, then walking away.

~*~

Tatsuya was still feeling the unused adrenalin in his system by the time he got back to the apartment. His knees shook a little, his hands jittered, and even though he’d answered all the questions he’d had about this whole thing, he was still feeling unsettled.

Even with that, though, it wasn’t really a surprise when Nagase came in and looked right at him, head titled in thought, which, combined with the outfit, did nothing to help Tatsuya _think_. Not even figuring he was about to be read the riot act by the kid did much to stop his dick from trying to point straight at what it wanted.

Not wanting the others to hear any more than they might have guessed, Tatsuya took him back to his room, knowing Taichi would at least give them privacy, and only partly wondering if his bedroom was exactly the best place to be with Nagase right then.

“I thought the first time was luck, but by the second time I knew not even my luck was that consistent. Then I saw you today, before we went inside, and… well, I hadn’t expected a bomb threat, which seems pretty out there, but I knew something would happen.”

Tatsuya had to admit, now that he wasn’t desperate to stop another something from happening, that all of his actions were a little much. Yeah, he’d got what he’d wanted, but who knew how many people he’d inconvenienced with his methods. Part of him felt bad about it, but the rest of him knew he’d do it again in the same circumstances.

But Nagase had said _luck_. Not bad luck, or a disaster, or anything like that, and there was no anger in his voice… just _luck_. “I’m sorry.”

And Tatsuya was sorry, in that he’d overrode Nagase’s decision and that he’d potentially screwed up a lot of people’s day. He was still glad about messing up Parliament guy’s. Still he felt brave enough to try the argument they’d had again, this time asking instead of telling, and hopefully much calmer, if no less horny. “Please don’t go back. I know all the reasons you have for doing it, and I get that it’s your decision, but… just don’t.”

Nagase didn’t say anything at first, looking down at his hands, his fingers jumping. He tended to fidget with his hands when nervous or anxious, anything he could hold liable to be picked up an played with, even if it shouldn’t be (and Tatsuya could still remember that one time with the mics, and how you probably could have heard the sound crew’s yelling for miles). But the hands didn’t pick up anything, stilling instead as he looked up, some internal decision made. “I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry I made that choice.”

It wasn’t the answer Tatsuya had expected, nor wanted, and he felt his heart start to sink.

But Nagase wasn’t finished. “I think… if there was nothing else involved, if it had just been about me and about… sex, I don’t think it would have been that big a deal. But I guess it never really is just about one person. Even without you being part of it, there was still the… man.”

Awkward and stumbling now, too embarrassed to talk about sex, which pretty much proved he wasn’t really ready for it, even looking the way he did. Tatsuya did what he’d been trying to do all along, and helped the kid out, filling in what Nagase wanted to say, but couldn’t really get express. “The man not being anyone you would have chosen for yourself, and you found you didn’t really want to have sex with him even with what it would get you?”

Cheeks red, finger twitching again, Nagase nodded. “The first time, he’d had me touch him… and it wasn’t too bad. I could do it even if it was a little odd. But I was still kind of relieved when they came and told us we’d have to leave. But the second time, he’d touched me… and it wasn’t like he was horrible or mean or anything, and he didn’t get angry when I pulled away, but I’d actually been hoping for something to happen when the alarm went off.”

Tatsuya had been kidding himself that nothing had happened at all, apparently liking to delude himself. Now that he knew for sure something _had_ happened, he sort of wished he’d gone with his original plan of knocking on the door and punching the guy.

It must have shown on his face, because Nagase laughed, the first time Tatsuya had heard that since this had started. It was good to hear, though he was a little leery of the sly grin the kid was wearing. “You’re jealous. All this time, and all the yelling and the following me around… you like me.”

And, okay, Tatsuya was happy that Nagase was apparently back to his non-angst self, and the glee in his voice was certainly good for Tatsuya’s ego, but the hand Nagase put on his arm, that was too close to what he wanted, and more than he could take at the moment.

He watched the happy look drop off Nagase’s face when he backed away, but he needed distance between his bed, his dick, and the kid that had been driving him crazy for far longer than he’d wanted to admit. Once he was out of convenient pouncing distance, then he set about putting the kid at ease. “Don’t frown like that, you’re not wrong. It’s just… not good timing.”

Nagase had started to come closer at first, but then stopped, letting him have his space, thinking things over. “I already told Mukai no if that matters.”

Tatsuya nodded, having figured he would sometime. “Well, it’s good, but it’s not the problem.”

It made Nagase tilt his head in confusion again, which was unfairly cute, and Tatsuya had to remind himself that the kid was only fifteen to keep from grabbing him then and there. “He’d already done the initial setup for our debut, but he wasn’t happy. From the look he gave me, he probably can’t cancel the debut without having to explain too much, but I’m figuring we’ll be lucky if they even give us much promotion when we do have it.”

“Which is _great_ news, and we are so going to celebrate, but also not the problem.”

Nagase bit his lip while thinking, and Tatsuya, who’d meant to just tell him what it was, got distracted with wanting to bite that lip himself, leaving Nagase time to guess again. “If it’s Noriko, she turned me down again the day we graduated, and I’ve given up chasing her.”

It was Tatsuya’s turn to look puzzled. “There really was a girl?”

Grinning, obviously thinking he’d figured it out, Nagase said, “I like both. Well, at least it seems so, ‘cause I’ve been attracted to both, but I’ve never actually gotten to date anyone yet.”

That last was said with emphasis, an invitation. And Tatsuya really wanted to take him up on it. But. “You’re only fifteen.”

Nagase’s face fell at that, his, “Oh,” a little miserable. Tatsuya wasn’t feeling all that good about it himself.

What he hadn’t counted on was the kid’s perseverance, which he should have. This was the guy who’d chased after a girl for seven years, in the face of many rejections. This was the guy who’d been trying to convince Kojima to skateboard for the last three years, even though Kojima rolled his eyes every time. This was the guy who’d apparently been liking Tatsuya longer than he would have guessed, since he then said, “Mabo says that you said that you were only sixteen when you first did it, and I’m not that far from sixteen now.”

There were too many saids in there, but then Tatsuya had been listening to Nagase for years, and knew how to follow his jumbled sentences. He couldn’t say that either he or Mabo had been lying either, because he _had_ lost his virginity at sixteen, not much older than Nagase was now, but it hadn’t seemed so young when he’d been that age. Still, he had a point.

His dick gave a happy twitch at that thought, and Tatsuya groaned, knowing that between it and Nagase, he wasn’t likely to stick to the moral high ground as long as he’d like. Still, as arbitrary as it might be to set an age to maturity, he had to put his foot down about one thing. “When you’re sixteen, then we’ll talk.”

He eventually managed to get Nagase to agree to sixteen, and Nagase eventually managed to get him to agree to a kiss, which had made both of them relatively happy. Nagase had then gone out to spread the good news to the rest of the band about the debut, though with a highly modified accounting of how it came to be and how he knew about it.

Tatsuya let him go alone, telling him he needed some time to think things over. By which he meant he needed some time to jerk himself off, as hard as he’d ever been in twenty-two years and beginning to think it would be another twenty-two before he managed to come enough that he wasn’t pretty much perpetually hard.

By the time he’d managed to _think things over_ enough to get some relief, his arm was tired, his dick was a little chafed, and he only had one question left: would he survive until the kid was old enough?

/story


End file.
